PEACE OUT 2015… And by peace out I mean, Hate you, F*#K You, See You Never!
Okay, maybe that’s a little dramatic, but I truly feel like 2015 was a praying mantis of a year… I was seduced by the promise of great things, momentarily happy, caught in a web of lies, gobbled up, and spit out a broken, shell of myself. Still too dramatic?
I will be the first to admit, there were some great moments in 2015. We experienced Disney as a family of five and it was amazing. We celebrated the third, sixth, and second birthdays of our delicious, beautiful, wild, smart boys. We enjoyed a few weekend getaways with friends to the Poconos, the Hamptons, and Montauk. We made new, life-long friendships and solidified old ones (you know who you are!). We celebrated the birth of a best friend’s baby. We definitely made some great memories.
But 2015 was a skewed deck of cards. The difficult, heartbreaking moments darkened the good ones. My happy smile turned complacent. I succumbed to the torture of 2015 and I will never be the same because of it.
And I am not okay with it. I am angry to have suffered an irreparable hole in my heart after losing my aunt. I try on a daily basis to push through, but it weighs on me heavily. I have no choice other than to smile each day for my children and to make sure not to cry every time they mention her name or when they say goodnight to her and the moon. I’m left with a void that cannot be filled with all the crafts in the world. I am angry for the difficult losses and changes my family has endured this year. I had to face some hard truths about my love and my friendships and my tolerance for people.
But like the odd years in school, 2015 was also a learning year. I learned how to put another adult’s needs in front of my own. I learned how to cope. I learned how to let go. I learned how to move on. I learned more about who I am and who I don’t want to be.
I welcome 2016 and the possibility of finding love in my heart again. Figuring out the type of mother I truly want to be… The woman I want to be… The person I want to be. 2015 taught me so much about what I don’t want in my life. 2016 is a new year for the taking. A clean slate? A fresh start? It’s neither. Forgiving and forgetting isn’t real. No one ever truly forgets.
In this new year, I’m not going to resolve to lose more weight, eat even healthier, adopt a YOLO attitude, vow to be someone who I am not.
I am focusing on my capabilities. I am capable of moving forward. I am capable of trying. I am capable of rebuilding. I am capable of loving.
I’m making myself a promise. I am going to take my happiness back. I am going to be stronger. I am going to sing in the shower again. I am hosting more dance parties and costume dinners. I am going to start reading again. I am going to write more often. I am going to play again. I’m weaning myself off of the social media craze and re-immersing myself in my own reality (so, an advance apology if I don’t like all of your pictures and posts every day!) I’m going to dedicate my energy into meaningful friendships. I am going to try to let go of the toxicity and embrace the good. I am going to begin to figure out who I am today and who I want to be tomorrow.
I am mother, I am wife, I am daughter, I am sister, I am cousin, I am friend, I am woman – HEAR ME ROAR! 2015, you beat me down, but I will rise again.
So, goodbye 2015… I welcome 2016 with a open arms.
Wishing all of you a very happy, healthy, and peaceful 2016!